Not everyone feels happy or excited about trying to have a baby. The process of trying to conceive can easily feel like it’s overshadowing your life – especially when it’s taking longer than you expected. While most couples don’t get pregnant within the first few months of trying, infertility is much more than just not getting pregnant within the time frame you might have imagined. Infertility is specifically defined as the inability to get pregnant after repeated unprotected intercourse for at least twelve months.
Infertility is particularly associated with emotional distress in couples, who may experience sadness, despair, or even obsession with fertility concerns. It also causes depression in those trying to conceive (TTC). Keep in mind that the chances of getting pregnant in any given month depend on age, timing (trying to get pregnant during your fertile window increases your chances), and even luck.
We can’t always change our circumstances enough to wish infertility would magically disappear. What we can control, however, is how we deal with the challenges we face. With something as emotional as trying to get pregnant, it’s not always easy. These strategies can help you find healthy ways to express your sadness and frustration.
Here are 12 things to keep in mind as you try to deal with pregnancy-related issues, plus how to relieve some of your pregnancy fears—and don’t feel guilty if your stress simply doesn’t go away after using all of these strategies. Grieving isn’t a linear process, so take all the time you need.
Don’t let that two-week wait slip away.
The two-week wait is a very stressful time when you’re trying to get pregnant. Every day between ovulation and your expected period can feel like a year. You may feel constant anxiety during this time. It can help to focus on other things and people. Here are some things that can help you take your mind off the wait:
- Go on a date with your partner.
- Watch a movie you’ve always wanted to see, pick up a book you’ve wanted to read, or get the ingredients for a recipe you’ve been wanting to try.
- Spend time with your friends.
- Start a home or craft project.
The worries of the two-week wait may still linger in your mind, but it’s better than letting them sit in the front seat.
Don’t overdo it with pregnancy tests.
When you’re trying to get pregnant, one of your main goals is probably to take a pregnancy test. Whether it’s gathering supplies or experimenting with the timing of your tests.
While you may be hesitant to cut back on testing when trying to get pregnant, it can easily become an obsession—and something that will make you feel more stressed out rather than less.
Tip
Try to resist the urge to take a pregnancy test until your period is at least a day late. If you have trouble resisting the temptation, cut back on the number of tests you take or give them to a friend to keep.
Don’t let your period get you down.
Many people who menstruate aren’t necessarily excited about their period, but when you’re trying to get pregnant, you may be even more upset that it’s coming—a sign that you’re not pregnant again.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, your period can be not only a sign of another failed attempt, but also a reminder of previous losses. For some people, menstruation can be a reminder of their inability not only to get pregnant , but also to maintain a pregnancy .
If you’re depressed in the first week of your cycle, ambivalent (or obsessive) about ovulation, and anxious in the last two weeks, consider the role your period may play in triggering these feelings. This is a good topic to discuss with a mental health provider, who can offer personalized strategies for working on period-related anxiety.
Take back what you loved.
The stress of infertility can make our minds so consumed with trying to get pregnant that we forget what we used to do for fun. Make a list of all the things you enjoy doing (or used to enjoy doing). If you’re confused, think back to what made you happy as a child.
If you’re having trouble remembering, call a friend or ask your partner to help you. Ask them directly what they remember doing to you that made you smile.
Tip
Post your list where you will see it every day. When you are feeling down, go through your list and take action by choosing something from it to do in your daily routine.
There are other ways you can declare your independence from infertility. Start by talking to your partner, family, and friends about things other than fertility. It can also help to focus on long-term planning that doesn’t involve having children, as well as taking time to celebrate personal and professional successes.
Communicate with your partner.
Infertility is notorious for making sex a chore. From frustration to shame and decreased libido, trying to conceive can change your sex life.
What was once a passionate time for intimate connection with your partner can now feel like a chore with a seemingly unattainable goal. When sex fades, it can weaken other aspects of your relationship as well.
It’s important to pay attention to the relationship you have with your partner. Take time to talk about how infertility is affecting you both and discuss what you both feel you need to connect with each other.
Tip
Go back to your list of things that make you happy. You’ll probably find at least a few things you can do with your partner. You can also make a new list of things you want to try.
Make self-care a priority.
Taking care of yourself isn’t just about eating right and going to the doctor for checkups. It also means making time to relax and finding healthy ways to manage stress.
Everyone deals with stress differently. Maybe you enjoy a long bubble bath after a long day, while your partner would rather turn up the volume and dance in the living room.
Relaxation can be meditation, yoga, or an art class. These mindful activities will keep you grounded in the present, fuel your creativity, connect you with a hobby that makes you personally happy, and give your brain something to focus on other than not getting pregnant, which can help you change your self-talk about infertility.
There are several mind-body infertility therapies that can help you relax, and some have been shown to improve pregnancy rates—another topic you should discuss with your mental health provider.
Tip
When you’re in this moment, it’s harder for your thoughts to wander about past fertility failures—or future fertility concerns.
Accept difficult feelings.
Trying to reduce the impact of infertility on your life and stop worrying about getting pregnant doesn’t mean you should pretend it doesn’t affect you. In fact, it’s healthy to acknowledge all of your feelings about infertility—especially the difficult ones. Find a safe place and time to express those feelings (which will look different for everyone).
Tip
If talking about your feelings is difficult for you, you may find writing helpful. You can keep your words private if you wish, or share them with your partner, friends, family, or even the wider world.
Join a support group.
Couples with infertility often feel isolated. Sometimes it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant and starting a family while you’re still trying to conceive.
This is where a support group can be helpful. You’ll be with other couples who truly understand and understand the unique frustration and sadness of infertility. Sometimes, just being around others who have been through what you’re going through is enough.
Ask your healthcare provider if there are support groups nearby, or look online to see if there is a RESOLVE infertility support group where you live.
Get professional help.
Support groups can be a great place to connect with others, but you may feel like you need to do a little more with each other. People who are struggling with infertility often experience depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Even if you feel like you’re coping well enough, finding a fertility therapist has many benefits.
Infertility is often accompanied by intense and sometimes difficult emotions. Counseling can help you process these feelings and develop healthy ways to cope with them. It may be helpful to seek out a therapist who has specific training or experience working with couples struggling with infertility to get pregnant, as they can also help you make informed decisions about your treatment.
Therapy can also be helpful for couples, especially if infertility is putting a strain on your relationship or you and your partner are struggling to come to an agreement on what to do next. It’s not uncommon for one partner to be reluctant to go to therapy, but couples who seek counseling together often benefit greatly from being able to talk openly about what they’re going through.
Let your friends support you.
Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to protect ourselves from our family-oriented friends that we lose sight of the fact that they’re still the same people who were our childless best friends not long ago. And while you may feel guilty or ashamed about infertility, it’s not your fault and should never stop you from seeking help.
Friends and family often want to support you, but they may not know what to say or do. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing (or not saying the right thing). Don’t expect them to read your mind. Friends and family can’t support you if you haven’t given them a chance. Start by communicating with them.
Sharing your struggles with getting pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy has both benefits and pitfalls. You certainly don’t have to tell everyone, and you don’t have to talk about it more than you feel is helpful. That said, there’s no need to keep quiet or try to cope alone. Choose a few friends or family members who you think could be part of your support system.
Rest.
If you feel like trying to get pregnant has taken over your life and all your efforts to get things back on track aren’t working, it might be time to take a break. It can be helpful for you and your partner to take a few months off from trying to get pregnant to rest and refocus.
Practice reframing
There is a simple stress management technique that can help you cope with your current fertility issues and also be a valuable tool throughout your life. It is called the art of reframing. Reframing doesn’t change your situation – you change the way you look at it.
Let’s take an example: Maybe you’re an avid runner and you’ve been told you can’t run for a few weeks after injuring your ankle. At first, this is really upsetting if you love running, but the basic framework is that it will free up time for you to read a new book, try a lower-intensity sport, or spend time with friends.
Reformatting isn’t easy. It may take a lot of practice before it becomes natural (as the saying goes, “Fake it and you’ll get it right”). When you face challenges on your journey to pregnancy, look for opportunities to change.
Tip
The process of trying to get pregnant can take a huge emotional toll on you and your partner. When you feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, it’s important for both you and your partner to recognize and respond to it. If you feel like you need more help to stop worrying about getting pregnant, talk to your doctor or therapist.
