Getting pregnant isn’t always easy. In fact, couples at the peak of their fertility only have around a 20% chance of conceiving each month. This can certainly add pressure to the process and turn a fun, hopeful experience into one filled with stress and feelings of guilt and blame.
“Couples who have been trying to conceive for a long time can feel impatient and disillusioned,” explains Myra Mendez, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychologist and program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence St. John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, Calif. “Sadness and feelings of helplessness can manifest as arguments, irritability, frustration, and resentment.”
Here are some common conflicts couples facing when trying to conceive and how to resolve them.
1. Deciding to have children
The first step in a couple’s parenting journey is the decision to start a family, and any kind of disconnect in the relationship can be a major turning point, explains Anathe Brauer, M.D., a reproductive endocrinologist at Greenwich Fertility and IVF Center and an associate professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the New York University School of Medicine.
That’s why it’s best to have these important conversations before you start trying to conceive, ideally before you become committed as a couple. “Aligning goals increases your chances of success and allows you to work together to overcome any disagreements,” adds Dr. Brauer.
2. When to start trying to conceive
Even if both partners are ready to have a family someday, their timelines might not match. “Many partners don’t see eye to eye on timing,” says Dr. Brauer. For example, one partner might have a job that’s ideal for starting a family, while the other just started a new job that demands all of their time, energy, and resources.
Biologically-driven urgency can also cause stress in relationships: Age affects fertility in both men and women in different ways, and the pressure from a ticking biological clock can certainly cause some contention.
“It’s important to have good communication and discuss each party’s expectations, their role in the process, and the time constraints they face,” says Joanna Kaplan, a child clinical psychologist and director of the Washington Anxiety Center on Capitol Hill.
3. Steps involved in conception
Most couples don’t realise how short their fertile window is until they’re actively trying to conceive. But the reality is, conception can only occur from about five days before to the day of ovulation, which occurs about two weeks after your last period, but it varies from person to person. This means that although you have six days where you can conceive, you only have a 10% to 20% chance of conceiving during this time.
Our biological calendars don’t necessarily sync up with everything else on our schedules, says Dr. Brauer, and this often means putting other personal and work commitments on hold to maximize your chances of conceiving.
If either of you is not around during this time, you may feel frustrated and feel like you’ve missed an opportunity. An easy way to avoid scheduling conflicts is to mark your ovulation date on your calendar. You can use an ovulation tracker and calendar to find the best time to conceive.
4. Lack of intimacy in relationships
If sex is just a necessary step to having a baby, it’s not something to be too excited about. If this happens, it’s important to bring intimacy back into your relationship, explains Dr. Kaplan. Make sure you’re not just making sex the only thing that will make a baby as a couple.
“Continue doing all the things you love, but don’t base your life around ovulation,” suggests Elena Mikalsen, PhD, chair and associate professor of psychology at Baylor College of Medicine in San Antonio, Texas. “Get together with friends, travel, dine out, and have fun!”
5. Decide whether to see a specialist or seek treatment
“Couples often feel different pressures around conception and therefore have conflicting opinions about when to seek outside medical help,” Dr. Brauer explains. “Avoiding seeking advice can also stem from feelings of guilt: ‘I should be able to do this naturally.'”
In these cases, it’s important to understand that seeking professional help doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need help throughout the entire pregnancy process.
“Many couples come in for basic fertility tests that include sperm, uterus, fallopian tube and egg reserve tests to ensure they can easily conceive,” she says. “If issues like low sperm count or blocked fallopian tubes are found, couples will catch the problem early and avoid wasting further months of frustration in a futile struggle to conceive.”
After all, even if there are no major fertility issues, when couples are trying to conceive, simply being reassured that everything is normal and working properly can help ease anxiety about trying to conceive.
6. Blaming your partner
After months of trying to conceive without success, feelings of failure and helplessness can wash over you. But Dr. Brauer reminds couples that it’s impossible to have a baby without both eggs and sperm. So whatever the issue, it’s important for one or both of you to understand that both partners are involved in the process.
“By avoiding guilt and blame and supporting each other through difficult times, success is more likely to be achieved and you’ll have even more fun while you have fun,” she says.
7. How many children do you plan to have?
Depending on how difficult your first pregnancy was, you might consider having fewer or more babies than you and your partner originally discussed. This can become a serious contention if you’re not on the same page, says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a New York City-based relationship therapist and professor of psychology at Columbia University.
If one partner feels strongly about having just one child and the other wants to fulfill a lifelong dream of having three or more children, there can be some serious tension. The best thing to do is communicate and see how you feel as time and life progresses.
8. Different parenting styles
Arguments about child-rearing that occur later in life can cause rifts in marriages as couples have children, and these arguments are likely to continue into parenthood.
“They may argue about beliefs about discipline, such as authoritarian or authoritative parenting styles, nutrition, educational expectations for their children, and even ideas about whether both parents should work or one parent should work,” Dr. Mendes explains. “Couples may have different ideas about who should be the stay-at-home parent if they agree to only one parent continuing to work outside the home.”
In this case, it’s best to keep the discussion going: “Don’t hide your feelings, just share them with your friends,” says Dr. Mikalsen. “Talk openly with your partner and, in the process, talk about how you feel and how you want to make things better, change, or improve.”
9. Family traditions and cultural differences
When traditional methods of conception are unsuccessful, couples may turn to alternative methods of conception, such as the use of fertility drugs, intrauterine insemination (IUI), or in vitro fertilization (IVF).
However, considering these alternative methods of conception can go against family expectations and cultural beliefs, explains Dr. Mendez. “This can lead to couples arguing about how best to combine family beliefs and expectations with the options that today’s advanced medical practices offer.”
This is a time when it’s best not to interfere with extended family roles, even though it’s truly a choice for the couple. Extended family beliefs may influence one or both partners. “Involving other family members when trying to conceive can also lead to arguments,” explains Dr. Kaplan. “Because pregnancy is a very personal experience for couples, it’s important to respect each other’s boundaries within the relationship.”
10. Alternative ways to start a family
When a couple is unsuccessful in conceiving, either naturally or through medical intervention, they may consider whether to continue the pregnancy in order to build their family.
“This decision may result in a marriage agreement and collaboration toward adoption, or it may lead to conflict over the concept of raising a child they did not give birth to,” explains Dr. Mendes. “When it comes to building a family, one partner’s socially conscious issues may clash with the other partner’s desire for a more traditional process.”
The best way to deal with this uncomfortable and sometimes frightening situation is to do as much research as you can to understand the options available to you. “Knowledge is power, and most couples who consider adoption are people who are very educated about the adoption process,” says Dr. Kaplan.
Last line
Whether you’ve been trying to conceive for a while or are just considering whether this is the next step in your relationship, it’s important to keep the channels of communication open about your expectations, feelings, and fears. Remember to treat each other with love, respect, and kindness — especially if things don’t go as planned and conceiving takes longer or is more difficult than either of you expected.
